sometimes, even when i'm constantly surrounded by people, i feel utterly alone.

what i think i want, i always end up not wanting.

what do i really want? i've been sitting here, trying to come up with an answer. i cannot seem to figure it out...

some random thoughts.

i need you right now.

DAY TWO

I am not an accident.

"This is what the Lord says - he who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you." - Isaiah 44:2a

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

-Russel Kelfer

DAY ONE

It's not about me. It all starts with God.

"For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him."
Colossians 1:16

Sore body. Sleep deprived. Logistically successful. Three of Diamond. How about renewed in faith? Perhaps. My expectations were met. Were my expectations too low?

FiCB Winter Retreat 2005: "The Fight of Your Life!" was my last real retreat in college. I wish I wasn't so distracted by the thoughts constantly running through my mind.

I need to let it go. Let myself be.

In the game of life, the score at halftime doesnt matter.

And it's nearing only the end of first quarter...

Right now, I can't think of anything worse than a 24-hour long headache. No sleep, no appetite, no snowboarding, no nothing.

What does USC's 55-19 rout of Oklahoma mean?

1. Pac-10 is not overrated.
2. JJ Arrington is the only RB to rush for more than 100 yards against USC this season.
3. Cal is the only team to have outplayed USC this season on both offense and defense.

==> Cal should've gone to the Rose Bowl, and JJ Arrington should've been at least nominated for Heisman.

Do I sound biased? =P

Go Bears! Thanks for a great season.

I just came back from San Diego. Drove down with Stanley yesterday and visited Ron and Steven. It's really convenient that they live together now. I had to put my healthy diet on hold for the time being. I wanted to visit some people while I was down there but couldn't. Had to be home pretty early today.

This whacky weather must stop soon. I really don't want to drive up to Berkeley in the rain.

Still to come this winter break:

1. 1 more snowboarding trip
2. self-reflecting trip
3. small group get-together
4. FiCB Winter Retreat

This winter has been, surprisingly, not that boring. In fact, it's been JUST right. What I mean is, it's been relaxing, fun, and boring just the right amount.

I came home on 12/17, so I've been home about 2 1/2 weeks now. Usually, when I'm home for more than a week, I get a little restless and start wanting to go back to Berkeley - I guess I really need the freedom that I grew so accustomed to. I mean, it's just ridiculous how EVERYONE in my family goes to sleep around 10. That means, when I come home pretty late, I have to try not to make any noise coming into the house, which is impossible cuz everyone, for some reason, leaves their door open when they sleep, and I wake everyone up and they get mad at me. And sometimes, like very sometimes, my mom gets up out of bed and begins to semi-yell at me about how dad needs his sleep before going to work and all that. I know he does! Just close the freakin door!!

Ok, I just remembered that I wanted to talk about why home has been unusually GOOD this winter.

This winter break, I haven't yet thought about wanting to go back. Maybe it's because I really needed to just relax after the busiest 4 months of my life - watch tv until I fall asleep, sleep until my back hurts, and just do nothing until I actually feel like I should do someting. And I LOVE doing nothing.

Or maybe it's because I actually did some things for fun - I went snowboarding to Big Bear once, and I went to Las Vegas for 3 days/2 nights with my roommates, where I was victorious once again, and I went out with my friends a couple of times. Watched Ocean's Twelve, Blade: The Trinity, and Meet the Fockers. I even watched my high school band perform their annual Christmas concert, thanks to them having their winter break a little late this year. And of course, spending the new year's day with my family and all my relatives is always fun. Seh-beh-dohn, he he.

Or maybe it's the food. Incredible amount of GOOD food. I think I gained about 10 pounds so far this winter.

Or maybe, and probably, it's my family. I mean, it's not like I didn't love them or appreciate them before, but I think I'm more aware of their love and support for me nowadays. Maybe I'm finally old enough to fully realize that. Took me almost 23 years.

There's no place like home, because home is where family's at.

After years of refusing to conform to the world, why blog now??

Well, I realized a few things about myself:

1. I don't keep journal. No diary - except for 2 years in 6th and 9th grade. Heck, I don't even take notes in classes.
2. I don't take too many pictures - I bought a digital camera last year thinking that I could be an annoying paparazzi. Never really happened. (I'm glad I guess) Maybe I should sell my camera?
3. My memory is not as good as I thought it was.

So basically, years from now, I won't be able to recollect much memory from my college life - at least not at the level of detail that I want. And college has been, and still is, incredibly fun for me. I really want to be able to remember it in 10-20 years, just like the way I remember my 6th and 9th grade years.

Better late than never.

I'm looking forward to the year 2005.

Happy new years everyone!