I used to super-competitive. Especially in high school. Academically, athletically, musically, etc. When I got my first B in high school in 11th grade, I couldn't sleep for days. Then after coming to Cal, I lost a lot of that competitiveness. I was no longer super ambitious, and I no longer really have any materialistic goals that I used to have - like, owning a mansion, etc.
Recently, I began to wonder why. Why did I really change? Well, first, I was humbled. I ain't 'the shit' that I used to think I was. There are always - ALWAYS - someone smarter and better than you. And I guess that kinda slowly brought my confidence down. Secondly, I think I was being competitive and all that for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to please my parents, keep my reputation up as the smart guy, etc. Basically, I was doing it for other people - not really for myself. Making other people proud and happy made me happy. And this is still true most of the time. But I am trying SO hard these days not to do this anymore. No more people-pleaser. No more facade basically. And so when I realized that I had all these wrong reasons, I lost motivation to be competitive.
And then there's the most important reason... I no longer had to be an over-achiever to be happy. All that matters to me now is the message of the Gospel. Getting a great SAT score, great GPA, getting into the 2nd best school in the world, and getting a job didn't make me half as happy as knowing that God loves me even though I'm an ass. Haha..kinda crudely put, but I think it says it the best. God loves me no matter what. God loves me the same even if I screw up. God loves me unconditionally. God loves me. Damn, just saying these words make me feel better already.
I know my youth will go (already facing mid 20's...). I know this world will go. Nothing I do in this world will give me the security I have in God's love. I think this is why I'm not the super-competitive guy I used to be.
Now, I'm facing a huge challenge to filter out the bad competitiveness and keep only the good kind. The kind that motivates me to work hard and use the talent that God gave me.
Recently, I began to wonder why. Why did I really change? Well, first, I was humbled. I ain't 'the shit' that I used to think I was. There are always - ALWAYS - someone smarter and better than you. And I guess that kinda slowly brought my confidence down. Secondly, I think I was being competitive and all that for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to please my parents, keep my reputation up as the smart guy, etc. Basically, I was doing it for other people - not really for myself. Making other people proud and happy made me happy. And this is still true most of the time. But I am trying SO hard these days not to do this anymore. No more people-pleaser. No more facade basically. And so when I realized that I had all these wrong reasons, I lost motivation to be competitive.
And then there's the most important reason... I no longer had to be an over-achiever to be happy. All that matters to me now is the message of the Gospel. Getting a great SAT score, great GPA, getting into the 2nd best school in the world, and getting a job didn't make me half as happy as knowing that God loves me even though I'm an ass. Haha..kinda crudely put, but I think it says it the best. God loves me no matter what. God loves me the same even if I screw up. God loves me unconditionally. God loves me. Damn, just saying these words make me feel better already.
I know my youth will go (already facing mid 20's...). I know this world will go. Nothing I do in this world will give me the security I have in God's love. I think this is why I'm not the super-competitive guy I used to be.
Now, I'm facing a huge challenge to filter out the bad competitiveness and keep only the good kind. The kind that motivates me to work hard and use the talent that God gave me.
1 Comments:
God's love is amazing
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